Changes

So much has changed in my life since my last blog entry. I no longer go to MVNU, or any college for that matter. It's not because of my academics, or because I'm a loser, but rather because I need time to focus on myself and to truly listen to what God wants me to do with my life. But due to my decision to terminate attending school, it seems that virtually everyone that I talked to has cut off our friendships... There are a few wo send a text once in a while, but most have forgotten my existance. My parents are also extremely disappointed in me, as well as everyone else. It's not like I don't feel that I need an education, because I fully intend on returning to school, probably not MVNU, but a school, to continue my education when I'm sure of what I want to do with my life.

Another change in my life is that I recently got my tongue pierced! It's so awesome. I love playing with it, and showing people who know me that I'm full of surprises and am an individual. I'm finally beginning to do things with my life that are for me and not for other people. I've always lived my life thinking "How will people view me if I make this decision?" "Will I be considered a worse person if I do this?" And finally I'm living with the thought process that I want to be me all the time. I still have the common courtesy that I had, but if someone begins to use me or treat me like crap, I'm finally beginning to stick up for myself. Maybe it's the dropping out of school, or the recent heartbreak, or the fact that I've let everyone down around me except myself, but I finally am finding the strength I've needed all this time to stand up for myself and to be myself and not care what someone has to say about me, because in all reality, nobody knows me the way I know me.

One thing I do regret is being so burdened with work and school, that I have few friends. And most of the friends I have get tired of me quickly. And when I'm going through the crap I've been through in the past few weeks, not having a single person to talk to and to cry on their shoulder is extremely difficult. Hell, my own sister told me I was dead to her. And I have nobody to talk to or to cry on. When I try to talk to people I get "What do you expect" or "I'm busy". But when they need someone to talk to, who is always there? I'm by far not a perfect friend. But when someone is down and needs someone to talk to, I have NEVER kicked them while they are down and never EVER said "You wonder why people hate being around you, you're always in a bad mood" I probably wouldn't be that way if I had a friend who took a minute to ask what's wrong and actually care enough to listen. But most of my friends are fake friends, who just put up with me because they feel bad for me or because they feel they need a fall back friend for when things get hairy. And everyone knows that I've always been a huge pushover and will do almost anything for anyone. But those days are pretty much over......

The winds of change have been blowing, and still are. I just hope God gives me the strength to stand in those winds and to change with them.